At the end of the day when I have time to ponder life's bigger questions, I find myself debating who exactly I find more annoying, the French or the Aussies. My contempt for the French and the reasons for it have been well documented here, so let's move on to perhaps the equally annoying Australians. What is it exactly that makes me so hate Australian accents and probably Australians as well? I'm not sure. Is it their eagerness to to call me "Mate" and say "G' day", or their annoying pushiness when it comes to trying to sell me a genuine hand-hammered wok or amazing space-age polymers diguised as car polish? Or the ease at which they will suddenly throw in an apple corer or fruit juicer if I act now? Is it their almost religious-like zeal to inform me at every chance that Australia was originally a penal colony? Besides some spreadable vegetable extract that tastes like engine de-greaser, and beer in a big can, what else have those goofy talkin', Bermuda short wearin' bastards given society? Steve Irwin? Crocodile Dundee? Olivia Newton-John? As any regular reader of my drivle could probably surmise, I am loaded with some peculilar obsessions, compulsions, and generalized disorders. One particular compulsion is related to the Australian accent. Every time I hear an Australian speak, I have an almost Turrettes Syndrome-like urge to loudly blurt out in a shrill and distrubing female voice, "A dingo ate your baby!"

Having an Australian client or two in my career, I've found that like England we were two countries separated by the same language. Here is an sample of some typical Aussie-speak.....
"G'day, China! You certainly are a fair dinkum, flash as a rat with a gold tooth, and you got a good Nick for a seppo! Can we have a bit of a chin wag then? FIne, listen mate, I would've given you a bell Fridee evo but I gave your number a flick. Then I got the wog, wasn't in full feather for about a fortnight and had to wait for the eagle to shit cuz I was out of lolly before goin' to the Doc. Now, been doing some hard yakka and I'm on a good wicket and keen as mustard to get this done, so I'm trying to be not backward in being forward to see you in a divvy. Gimme a bell this arvo...."


That, of course, translates into, "Hello, old friend. You are a genuine person who dresses nicely and you have a nice name for an American. Can we talk? I would have called on Fridaynight but I lost your number. Then I was sick with the flu for 2 weeks and had to wait until payday because I didn't have any money before going to the doctor. I'm making a lot of money now and I'm very eager to get this done so I'm being very pushy to see you soon. Call me this afternoon......"

Damn, I need a nap after talking to these people. I soooo prefer my Ethiopian clients. At least they know my language.


G'day!