Until I was so inspired by Hillary Clinton's paranoia, I was actually going to name this site "Can't Sleep Either, Huh?"

I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that to try and argue a pro-life position with a pro-choicer, especially a woman, is almost pointless. It hardly ever does anything but breed resentment and hard feelings on both sides. Plus, both people usually come away more firm in their original convictions. I've read more books on the debate than most people I know. I've read both purely pro-life and purely pro-choice arguements, thoroughly. What most pro-choicers (and pro-lifers) find surprising is that at one point in my life, I was staunchly pro-choice. So pro-choice in fact that I actually took a bus to the state capitol and marched, screaming down "self-righteous pro-lifers."

The only tactic which I have ever employed which I have found to be somewhat influential is considered grotesque by both sides. But, I know one thing. It worked for me. It not only stopped me dead in my tracks, it made me re-examine everything I once believed about the topic. I used to buy into the old line that "it's just a blob of tissue", a "potential life", a "product of conception", a "parasite", and thus, a "woman's choice."
I was wrong.

If any person that holds the pro-choice position has any guts at all, they will take the time to re-examine both sides of the issue with equal passion.
Just on sheer principal, I refuse to recommend any pro-choice reading other than what one may find at the Planned Parenthood Web-site. For the pro-life reading, I found a book by Randy Alcorn called "Pro-Life answers to Pro-Choice Arguments" to be the tie-breaker for me.
Also, if you have the stomach, I dare any pro-choicer to go to
http://www.cbrinfo.org/pictures.html.
There are many pictures there, so don't try to just look at one or 2 before you leave. Take your time and look carefully and closely at the results of the "choice," and then try to still defend the pro-choice position. (This is the grotesque tactic I refered to earlier.) Also, be forewarned that if you try to use the old "coat hanger" and "back alley" arguments to defend your position, you will be defeated swiftly and soundly by your own statistics.

All that being said, I still respect any person's right to hold ther pro-choice position, but I feel it is the wrong one, and even though I know it may be pointless, I will still try to switch them to my side. One look at the pictures will tell you why.

As for poor Tammy Jo, there are currently more abortion-alternative providers in this country than abortion providers. These abortion-alternative providers will provide Tammy Jo with a safe non-judgemental home to live in, feed her, clothe her, provide pre-natal care, educational and career opportunities, and adoption serrvices, ALL FREE OF CHARGE.

As for Planned Parenthood and the other abortion services providers, except for charging Tammy Jo an average of $350 to kill her baby for her and giving her free and risky contraceptives, what other services do they provide? (Try as you may, there is no answer to that question that will beat the abortion-alternative providers FREE services.)

Oh, I know, their motto is "Every child a wanted child," which implies that they really care about the children. Put another way, it means "Every unwanted child a dead child." They only care about children as long as they are still able to kill them.

It's not about a right to choose. It is about Good vs. Evil.

National League of Abortionists Targets RU-486

WASHINGTON - Complaining that advertisements touting the benefits of RU-486 are harming their profession, the National League of Abortionists has launched their own advertising campaign aimed at reclaiming their dwindling market share from the abortion pill. Marketed as the "Early Option Pill," ads for RU-486 began showing up in magazines this summer, taking their place along side ads for mineral water and Vagisil.

To combat a loss of market share to the abortion pill RU-486, the National League of Abortionists has started running its own ads explaining to women that they still have the right to choose an old-fashioned surgical abortion. Creators say it is no different than running ads for birth control pills, condoms, or Starburst Fruit Chews.
The Early Option Pill ad shows a photo of a young woman contemplating whether to take the abortion pill RU-486. "You have the freedom to choose. And now, you have another safe abortion choice,'' the full-page ad says.

The message is part of a national advertising campaign in major magazines that has drawn objections from abortionists across the country. Fearing a loss of income, many abortionists are expressing outrage at the ad campaign, claiming that they have been targeted for extinction.

"This ad is an outrageous attempt to mislead women by insinuating that they no longer need the option of a surgical abortion, and it is an attempt to cut the the throats of abortionists financially," said Dr. Ima Boozer, president of the National League of Abortionists (NLA).

A spokesman for the FDA, which approved RU-486, said that advertising the drug will have minimal effect on the careers of abortionists. "Since the drug can only be used in the earliest days of pregnancy, there will be plenty of opportunities for an old-fashioned mid-term or partial-birth abortion, and besides, the pill-caused abortion costs more than a surgical abortion, so there will be no financial loss to the abortionist," the spokesman said.

But according to Dr. Boozer, longtime abortionists are not just concerned about financial loss, they are also concerned that the new drug, and efforts to commercialize it, will degrade the abortion profession into nothing more than pill pushing and advertising, and hurt the quality of life that abortionists have fought to maintain.

"I worry about the next generation of abortionists," said Dr. Boozer. "What self-respecting medical student will want to become an abortionist if the profession becomes nothing more than administering a pill. Abortionists are surgeons, and it is the thrill of surgery that entices young medical students into our ranks. I fear that in 10 years we will have a generation of abortionists who will never know the thrill of sucking out a brain."

To combat this growing problem, the NLA has started running its own ads explaining to women that they still have the right to choose an old-fashioned surgical abortion. Creators of the ad say it is no different than running ads for birth control pills, condoms, or Starburst Fruit Chews.

"The ad is saying that just because there is this magical abortion pill out there, you don't have to be ashamed if you prefer having an old-fashioned surgical abortion," explains Dr. Boozer. "Besides, a surgical abortion is about $100.00 cheaper and women will be helping some young doctor feed his family. And isn't that what life is all about?"

Mebea Hoar, spokeswoman for Unplanned Parenthood's abortion clinics, says they are hopeful the ads will increase the percentage of women choosing surgical abortions over the pill.

"Most women who need abortions are pretty stupid,'' Hoar says. "They're going to see this ad and say, `Oh, I'm going to have an old-fashioned surgical abortion.'''

The ads are aimed at women like Tammy Jo, a 23-year-old resident of Cottonopolis, Mississippi, who did not know she could still have a surgical abortion until she saw the ad from the NLA. The unmarried, barefoot mother of 7 was pregnant again and didn't think she could afford both another child and her mushrooming Methamphetamine habit.

"Ah was scared, cuss it all t' tarnation. One of them had t'go, an' ah figgerd it was a lot easier t'have an abo'shun than t'kick Meth, but ah was afraid mah only choice was t'take this hyar pill an' haf mah abo'shun at home alone,'' says Tammy Jo, who couldn't remember her last name. But when she realized she could still get a surgical abortion in nearby New Orleans, she was relieved.

"Ah were so happy. Not only c'd ah git rid of mah youngun' wifout havin' t'do it mahse'f, but wif mah $100.00 savin's ah was able t'find some pow'ful fine Crank on Bourbon Street when ah was done."

And Tammy Jo is just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to their new ad, Unplanned Parent and the NLA are improving the lives of thousands of women across America, just like Tammy Jo.

*Hopefully, we all recognize sarcasm when we see it.

Unbelievable.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD OFFERING FREE ABORTIONS AFTER ATTACK
NEW YORK, Sep 20, 01 (CWNews.com/LSN.ca) - Planned Parenthood of New
York City
(PPNYC) has put out a press release indicating it is offering free
abortions for a limited time in the
wake of the terrorist attacks on the city.
Following the example of the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA)
which over the past few
years has used tragic events to target stricken communities with
"reproductive health kits"-- including
abortifacient drugs and devices-- PPNYC is offering "complete
reproductive health care from
September 18-22 free of cost." The press release by PPNYC lists among
the "services" they provide
"birth control; emergency contraception; medical and surgical abortion."
As recently as last month, LifeSite reported that pro-life groups in El
Salvador were blasting the
UNFPA for using the tragedy caused by recent devastating earthquakes in
the country to promote
abortion. UNFPA sent reproductive health kits including abortifacient
morning-after-pills and vacuum
aspirators used for early term abortions. Julia Cardenal, president of
"Si A La Vida" (Yes to Life) told
Cybercast News Service, "We had two major earthquakes in El Salvador in
January and February of
this year, and instead of sending us food or medicine, or something to
meet our needs, they sent a
range of contraception devices."

Thanks to John Brooks for providing this. mbm

I'm glad I'm not the only one that took notice of Ms. Clinton that night. Enjoy the following from townhall.com's Michelle Malkin:


September 26, 2001

Hillary Clinton in crisis

What's eating Hillary Clinton? Her behavior during President Bush's address to Congress last week was abominable. At a time when even the most partisan of her Democratic colleagues stood united with the president, New York Sen. Clinton shunned patriotism for petulance. She grimaced. She sighed. She rolled her eyes. She fidgeted like a 5-year-old at an opera.

And when Mrs. Clinton mustered enough energy to clap, she acted as if there were razor blades strapped to her palms.

Although network talking heads refrained from comment, outraged Americans across the country spoke out. Teacher Kathie Larkin of Atlanta wrote to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution: "This is behavior I would not accept from my sixth-graders listening to a speaker, and I expected better of an adult from a state ripped apart by terrorist violence. Hillary needs to grow up."

James Gale of Silver Spring, Md., wrote to The Washington Post: "She at times seemed bored and uninterested, clapping perfunctorily, and at other times she was talking during the speech. I thought her actions were unbecoming a senator at this difficult time."

The Boston Herald, one of the few bold newspapers to take note of Clinton's insolence, editorialized that she "looked like she was sucking on a lemon." And Karen Gauvreau of Clearwater, Fla., wrote to the St. Petersburg Times: "She would have been better off had she stayed home."

Mrs. Clinton's staff claims she was weary from traveling. What nerve. All she had to do last week was park her taxpayer-funded backside on a plane seat. Meanwhile, her constituents and volunteers from across the country pulled 13-hour shifts, sifting through rubble, sorting body parts, and collapsing on curbsides from exhaustion and grief.

A few nights' rest didn't seem to cure Mrs. Clinton's unsightly condition. During last weekend's prayer memorial at Yankee Stadium, she remained dour and tight-lipped as the tearful crowd of thousands sang the national anthem. Hiding behind sunglasses -- guess she can't control the rolling eyeballs any more than Al Gore can control his heaving sighs -- Mrs. Clinton posed for photos with a strange sneer frozen on her stony face.

Let there be no doubt about whose interests come first for Mrs. Clinton in times of crisis. While New Yorkers mourned, their junior senator sulked. Then she tried to rip off both President Bush's and Mayor Giuliani's coattails by claiming credit for securing federal disaster aid. The damage-control patrol at The New York Times ate up her narcissistic spin. A Sunday puff piece, which was silent on her churlish performances, extolled her "full transition from a former first lady who happened to hold a Senate seat to true federal legislator."

The paper reported that "Mrs. Clinton has carefully guided the Giuliani administration on how agreements are forged between Congress and the White House" and has "taken on chores like holding the hands of counselors for families, usually out of the way of a camera." Gag. As if Giuliani needed "guiding." As if grief counselors needed help from a woman who just two years ago planted her lips on the cheeks of blood-thirsty Yasser Arafat's wife after she spewed anti-Israel, terrorist propaganda.

Adversity magnifies deep character flaws that no pair of sunglasses can conceal. Hillary Clinton's resentful visage and insouciant behavior this past week reveal that -- like her husband -- she suffers from a fatal inability to put love of country above love of self.

In the weeks before the attack, Mrs. Clinton was gearing up to drive the anti-GOP bandwagon on her path toward greater power and higher office. She had raised big bucks for fellow Democrats and helped block President Bush's choice to head the Consumer Product Safety Commission. The Beltway buzzed with fresh rumors of a possible presidential bid. "Senator Clinton is on the rise, moving back into public life, enjoying a bit of the spotlight and savoring the fact that whatever attention she does get is all about her," gushed Time magazine last month.

That all changed when the Twin Towers came crashing down on 9-11. "I think we were all victimized by this," Mrs. Clinton said last week. An expression of sympathy for others -- or a self-pitying lament? The cold, corrosive look in Hillary Clinton's eyes speaks for itself.

©2001 Creators Syndicate, Inc.

Someone actually e-mailed me about that list and took offense to my dislike of cats, and that it's a sign of my insensitivity as a human that I don't respect animal rights, blah, blah, blah. Typical cat huggin' crap.

Hey, I love animals. I'm a member of PETA.
Not People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, like she is.
But, People Eating Tastey Animals.

Hell, I love cats.


Especially, with a light white wine lemon butter sauce, when the cat is nice and lean.....mmmmmm, nothin' better.

Let's see if this Comment thing works.

OK, so does anyone have any tips on how to make the COMMENT text smaller and how to apply a counter to it?

Damn, where's Piontek when you need him? Better yet, where did he go to high school?

www.uglypeople.com

Check out some of the links to the left, the Ugly Men and Ugly Women and and the "Ugly ?"


I don't know how to react to this one.

To settle a 15 year debate once and for all, I went to college with a guy named Leo (not his real name), who I called "Buddy Gunn". I got the name from a guy I went to High School with named, Buddy Gunn. However, since this seemed so strange a name, my credibility has long been suspect because I could never verify Buddy's existence. Until now.

If you have the time, go to www.classmates.com

Take the minute to register.

To verify the original Buddy Gunn's actual existence, go to Illinois, Olympia Fields, Rich Central, Class of 1985. (Although I was a 1984, thanks.)
Viola'. Buddy Gunn did live and walk among men.
.
And no, I did not hack into the site and make up Buddy, damnit! Although, if you press the issue, I will hack into yours and update the fact that your sex-re-assignment surgery was a success.

BUDDY GUNN LIVES!!!!
VIVA LA BUDDY GUNN!!

91. "...........and Lord, please deliver me from the dreaded 4-way-Stop-Wave-a-Thon........."
(Just to review, when 2-3 vehicles approach a 4-way stop at the same time, the vehicle on the RIGHT has the right-of-way. IF that driver tries to wave any other driver through, then any driver there then has the right to loudly call the waving driver an idiot in front of the idiots kids. At least this is what I'm learning as I go, as apparently, no one seems to mind that my kids are in the car, thank you.)

92. Trucks and their signs reminding me that if I can not see their mirrors then they can not see me. Look, Billy Ray or Papa Bear or whatever the hell your CB handle is, nobody knows better than me how hard it is to steer with your knees while checking out the centerfold in the latest issue of JUGGS magazine, but here's an idea for ya.....GET BIGGER MIRRORS!!!!

93. Facial Hair. I hate facial hair for many reasons, the first being that I can't grow it. Despite that fact, I especially dislike men with the big beards with no mustache. The last person in public office you saw with one of these was our former Reagan-Era U.S. Surgeon General, the Menonite-impersonating Dr. C. Everett Koop. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good look. But only if you and Jebediah are on your way into town before dawn, taking the buggy.

94. Ladies, as far as your facial hair goes, please, bleach it, wax it, pluck it, anything to make it go away, but please don't try to pretend that's it's not there and that those aren't this mornings toast crumbs stuck in it.

95. People that somehow manage to slip the make of their car into a conversation. As in, "So I took the Benz down to the lake this week..." or any variation thereof. You pretentious piece of crap, I pity you that you feel so insignificant and feel such a need to impress me that you would attach your worth to a car for validation. I'd like to think that there is a special little spot in Hell for people like you, and I'm sure it has Italian leather upholstery, remote keyless entry, and a moon roof.

The list......again.....

85. Cashiers that act like I've just handed them a stick of Kryptonite as they call their more qualified manager to dispose of my $50 bill, then one of them disdainfully asks (or aks) if this is the smallest bill I have. Yeah, I just saw my pimp and this is all he gives me after he hits me a few times. Just make my change!
86. I don't like the cashiers that ask for my phone number when I want to by a roll of film, but the people that refuse to give it, or protest almost violenty at the counter, don't deserve to be out among us regular folks. MAKE UP A NUMBER! I always ask the cashier their number then change it by 1 and say that we must be neighbors.
87. Melanie Griffith. Who told her she was pretty? Hell, I've seen better looking scabs. One the brighter side, after having bagged 2 of the most desirable men on the planet, she does give eternal hope to every fat, pastey, talentless slut currently stalking George Clooney.
88. Speaking of dime-a-dozen blondes that annoy me, don't think that Stevie Nicks can sneak under the radar. What's with the whole witchy / vampire thing? Why is there always a fan on you? Why are you wearing my grandma's lace tablecloth? Who told you that you were pretty, the same guy that lied to Melanie? If you ARE one of the un-dead, don't think for a second that we won't find out about it, missy.
89. Pamela Anderson. Pamela, Pamela, Pamela. I truly don't know whether to loathe you or to pity you, or both. Like Michael Jackson, you are a living tribute to your own miserable existence. The fake boobs that you think men like, the fake hair that you think men like, the fake everything, it's all a perfect exapmle of you: fake and sad. Please go away.
90. Speaking of fake boobs.......I hate them. I don't know a man outside of a Jiffy Lube that does like them. WOMEN: If you measure your self-worth by the cup size, you will never be happy until you overcome that, and that is not men's fault or societies undoing. It's your problem. Deal with it. Love your body the way it is. Trust me, somewhere out there is some strange man with a strange fetish for the very thing you don't like about youself and he can't wait to find and stalk you. Take my wife and her third nipple for example.......oops. Trust me: fake boobs are hideous.


Next week, I promise, I will return to my regularly scheduled and more "positive" programming. In fact, I will work on a list of things I actually like. For example, although, this may not be the Number One thing I like, it is up there in at least the Top 10, and although I relaize it may sound rather odd, but here goes:
Puppy breath - Maybe I'm just strange, but I love the way puppy breath smells. There is no other smell like puppy breath, and I like it.

Ok, so last night we all watched the President give the best speech of any American President since FDR, right? Of course we did.
I was so comforted to know that he was our President. I needed that.

But, did you notice the same thing I did?

Whenever the cameras panned the Senate floor showing all the Senators applauding, they would always stop and do a close-up of one Senator as she clapped.
This one Senator clapped about as slowly as she could, while still managing not to actually get caught rolling her eyes as she did it. She was a pathetic display indeed. After about the third time, it wasn't even funny any more it was just disrespectful. It looked like that beneath that neat manly black pant-suit she insists on wearing, her testicles must have been uncomfortablely hot and sweaty. Maybe it was the fact that during this whole crisis in NY, Mayor Rudy and Gov. Pataki have gotten all the good press and she was mad that no microphones were in her face. Who knows? But the fact is, that last night in front of millions of Americans, Hillary Clinton displayed what a truly miserable and resentful bitch she really is.

The list......continued.....

76. The "Calvin Pissing" window sticker, or any variation of it.
77. Anyone who refers to Michael Jackon as the "King of Pop". He is a freakish child-molesting monstrosity.
78. Americans who call a Restroom a "Lav" or "Head" or "Loo." Even if you are onboard a ship to England at the time, it is not permissable. These are the same pricks who call gasoline "Petrol."
79. People who don't wash their hands after they go to the Lav. I can't imagine not doing that, I mean, you may have spilled some Petrol on them, Mate.
80. People at the zoo who throw Frito's and Hot Dogs to the Polar Bears so they land right next to the sign that says "Please do NOT feed the bears."
81. People who say "Look at the Chipmonks, honey!" while in front of the Ground Hog exhibit.
82. "Hot enough for ya?" / "Cold enough for ya?"
83. Any guy that does not work on cars for a living that pops his own hood and tries to make a diagnosis. Find a Mullet and pay him.
84. Any salesman that uses cliched, worn-out and hackneyed lines while he searches for my "hot button".

Just for the record, if my phone isn't on vibrate, which it is 90% of the time, it is on the semi-standard low-volume 5-chirp ring. Very unassuming, very subtle, very un-look-at-me-I-got-a-phone-call-let-me-shout-now.

To continue the list.....

42. People that answer the phone with anything but "Hello" or "This is (name), can I help you?" Like saying their name is enough. Think David Puddy on 'Sienfeld'. "Puddy."
43. People that "drop" foriegn countries they've visited recently. Here is a favorite example that happened about a year ago. This girl is talking to my boss and she mentions that she "just got back from living in London" for the past few years. He asks when, specifically, did she get back. She says, "Oh, let's see...it's been about 2 years now."
He says, "TWO YEARS?! You made it sound like you had lunch there yesterday! Hell, then I guess I just got back from Viet Nam!" Then, he asks what she was doing there, and she says her husbands' business was there. He asks what kind of business. She says he was stationed there in the ARMY! We still laugh about her.
44. Stone Phillips on Dateline. Quit blinking and nodding at me. Take some Ritalin! You look like you belong in the back window of a Ford Taurus, you big bobble-head. And what the hell kind of name is Stone, anyways. Did someone tarnish "Rock" in some way?
45. Shirley MacLain. She actually said....."I am God." Pyscho whack-job.
46. Liberals in general.
47. Lawn Deer.
48. Screw it, ANY Lawn Statuary of ANY kind, including but not limited to: Garden Gnomes, Cement Squirrels, and those damn Victorian Gazing Balls, you've seen them, you just never knew what they were called. Old people seem to love them. It gives them an excuse to stare off blankly........
49. Not a huge fan of any vehicle with a rainbow "gay pride" sticker on it. Look, homo, I don't care what you like to have stuck in your butt, just don't get all uppity and get in my face about it. And why is it that when I slow down to stare and point at you while I mouth the word 'faaaaaaag', you sneer at me? Don't want the attention? TAKE OFF THE STICKER!!
50. "My bad." Your bad what? Your bad decision to not go to college? Your bad move in talking like a punk? You bad career move?
51. People that say "Peace" or God forbid...."Peace Out."
52. Ok, I'm realizing very quickly that if I keep going, I will list everyone in the world except my 3-4 closest friends and my wife, and I'm not too sure about her, either.
53. Fat chicks that wear skin tight clothes. What makes you think I want to look at your belly hang over your privates. (My wife calls that a "belly pooter.") If you want to pick up on that .0001% of the male population that digs fat chicks, go to where they hang out: Jiffy Lube.
54. Fat people that eat in public. Ok, so you are a pig. I get it. I can do without the "How-To", thanks.
55. Fat people on disability.
56. Fat people on those little "Rascal"-type scooter things. By the way, when I say fat, I mean the hugely obese, over 500 pounds. Not someone svelt like me at 275. Ok, 280. 285. Really. Plus, I'm not fat, I'm just big boned. I have a huge belly bone. (That other thing? There is no real bone in that. No, really, it's just a figure of speech.)
57. People that either signal too soon, too late, or not at all.
58. People that think as soon as they get in their car, they are invisible. They are then free to not only pick their nose, but to examine the fruits of their nasal mining and determine if it is lunch-time or tissue-time. Then when you bust them, they make furtive yet innocuous hand-to-nose-to-mouth movements in a futile effort to play it off. Like I'll believe that they were only scratching their teeth and gums with a nose hair afterall. Of course. My bad.
59. People that mis-pronounce "Espresso" as "Expresso." If you are dumb enough to buy a Ford, you are dumb enough to think is is Expresso.
60. The same people also say "Excetera" instead of "Etcetera." They also mis-abbreviate it as "ect." instead of the correct "etc."
61. "Guesstimate."
62. Any type of cranberry sauce that is still shaped like a can and then cut into slices. Nice presentation. "No, really, you shouldn't have gone to all that trouble....."
63. "Irregardless."
64. As far as pets go: cats, ferrets, birds, snakes, lizzards, any "toy" dog, and the people who like them.
65. People that wear shorts to church. These are also the same people who leave their designer cell phone ringer on full volume during church AND THEN TAKE THE CALL!!!
66. People who do not say "You're Welcome" when I say "Thank You." Sometimes I like to say, "I said 'Thank you'...." just so they can look at me stupidly, try it, it's fun!
67. Waiters who don't know the Soup of the Day or the Specials. Look, I know the clean shirt policy is a challenge, but, do you think you could scribble it down somewhere?
68. Waiters who act like we are buddies, who try to sit with me while they take my order, or act like I'm there to chit-chat.
69. Hostesses who look at my wife and 2 kids and ask, "How many?" FOUR! No, wait. Three. We're going to make the 2-year old sit in smoking by himself, you dolt.
70. "Multi-task"
71. People who, instead of going to all the trouble of saying "thousand" say "K". I have been lending millions of dollars a month for years now, and I have never said "K".
72. Chicks who bite their nails down to bloody nubs. When I see them do it, I hold out my hand and ask if they'll give me a trim, no-hands.
73. Chicks that think it is funny to grab your tie. Look, skank, that cost more than you'll make today. Hands off.
74. Grown men who use straws. There is just something not right about it, I'm sorry.
75. Men who wear clogs. (I admit this is only because I can not find them in my Viking-esque size, damnit.)

I think I may have reached my temporary saturation point regarding all things bin Laden, WTC, etc. In light of this realization, I think I will resort to an old comfort of mine, and that is making a list of the people and things that I hate or could live without, and why. I realize that as a Christian I should try to love these people. I am trying, but my feelings for them are so very strong, perhaps this will help me vent. Although they are numbered, they are not in any strict order, per se. My version of the perfect world does not include the following:

1. Barbara Striesand - One freakishly egotistical bitch. Everything about her annoys me. Her mannerisms, her politics, her ego, all of it. I thought she said she was going to leave the country if Dubya won the election. Beat it!

1.5 Martin Sheen- I swear, this prick actually thinks he was elected president. Putting a cig out on the floor of the National Cathedral? You PRICK!

2. Hillary Clinton- see above. Would it kill her to wear a dress and not act like she had a bigger set of balls than me? I mean, we all know she does.

3. Alec Baldwin- Aside from that killer 3 minute speech in "Glenn Gary Glenn Ross" his acting belongs on a middle school stage. Wasn't he "threatening" to leave, too? Beat it, and take your skinny, broke, cat huggin' wife with ya, punk.

4. Liza Minelli- It's over, honey. Stop dying the hair "China-man Black", no one cares who your mom was. Except Rosie.

5. Rosie O'Donnell- You big headed, unfunny, talentless, closeted homo.

5.5 Speaking of homos....Michael Jackson. My only comfort comes from the fact that your inner misery is so apparent.

6. Roseann Barr- From the first day I saw this mongoloid pig, I have hated her passionately. She represents every big mouthed Liberal Pro-choice Feminist woman to me.

7. Tom Greene- Funny for the first month. It's over. Be happy we let you have Drew. Now, if you'd both graciously just leave. Thank you.

8. Anyone that uses ANY of the following words should be stabbed in the side of the head with one of those corn-on-the-cob holders your Grandmother put out on Thanksgiving:

Paradigm (When I hear someone say this, my eyes squint up, my upper lip quivers on one side and I think of what I could use as a weapon...pencil, stapler, tie.....)
Per se (Yes, I see the irony.)
Think outside the box
Proactive
Mis-pronouncing "Nuclear" as "Nuke-u-lar." It's subtle, but it drives me insane.
"Supposably"
Have a sit-down
Get in front of
Get on the same page
As it were
At this point in time
Sphere of influence (this is used by people who have heard of sales, but never actually made one and their career doesn't depend on them)
E-.......(anything)
Vis a vis
"Aks" or "Aksed" - As in " Can I aks you something?" or "He aksed me a question." (Ask)
"Finna" - As in "I finna go to work." (Fixing to)
Any and all verbal ticks. Um. OK? Know what I mean? Gnome saying? Um. OK? Know what I mean? Gnome saying? Um. OK? Know what I mean? Gnome saying? No. I don't.
"and she's like 'bitch'..... and I'm like 'so'....then she's like 'fat ass'...so he was like 'ouch'.......and then I'm all like 'fat bitch'......"

Feel free to add to that.....

9. Al Sharpton
10. Ed Asner
11. Susan Sarandon
12. Mike Farrell
13. Paul Newman. Yes, Paul Newman. Nice salad dressing. But shut your fat yap, you annoying Liberal prick.
14. Tom Cruise- You short talentless fag.
15. John Travolta
16. Mumia Abu Jamal
17. Al Gore
18. Patricia Ireland
19. Any Chinese guys named "Kevin". C'mon, how many of you can there be?!
20. People with visible tattoos.
21. Robin Williams - Despite what you may think, Robin, you are NOT funny.
22. Anyone named Judd. (Hirsch. Nelson. Naomi, etc.)
23. Did I mention Tom Cruise?
24. I'm affraid Julia Roberts is not going to make the cut. Look, you're pretty, we get it. Now, beat it.
25. The fatter one, now, out of "Cagney and Lacey" Damn, how did that show ever make it out of committee? "2 tough lesbo detectives....."
26. Oprah. Phoney secularist.
27. Anne Heche. Face it, Annie. You licked her to put your name on the map.
28. The Sopranos.
29. People that think the world is their ashtray. PIGS.
30. People who speed through residential areas and school zones.
31. Janet Reno - C'mon, honey. Take off the dress and get your prostrate checked.
32. The "Mango" skit on SNL. It wasn't funny the first 11 times and it's still not funny.
33. People that have their picture on their business cards.
34. People that have their pictures on their business cards of them on the phone. Look, a camera, I'm so busy, I have to make a call!
35. Florine from the "Weight Watchers" commercials.
36. People that do the "air quotes" like Dr. Evil.
37. People that over pronounce either French or Spanish pronounciactions. As in "Chimichaaaaaanga"
38. I could do without most Canadians. Like whats-his-face on "Spin City"....the shakey little guy with Parkinsons......Michael J. Fox. Why don't you grab a Molson and shake your little self back up north, eh? Don't let the border hit you on the ass on the way out. Good day, eh?
39. Cher. Just one name? Just one word: leave. And take Madonna with you, please.
40. I don't know how I could have forgotten Bill Mahr. Big-nosed unfunny Libertarian.

Julio, Julio, Julio, a gazillion times Julio,
Oh I got my flags up and waving. They've been up, since noon Tuesday. You remember my big ass flag? The one you used to sleep under and and puff a bong under? That one hangs from my garage. Another one of my father's, one that he got from one of our Senators, back in the late 80's (Glory Days), this flag has the papers certifying that it was flown at the US Capitol Building, well, that one flys from my front porch. I married an Army Veteran. Sometimes we like it when she dresses up with just her combat boots on, but that is a topic for another site. I'm about as Patriotic as they come. I'm on board. I'm just concerned. Very concerned. I will admit that as the days go by and I see Powell and Cheney, et al., I am becoming less and less concerned, though. You know me. I am very conservative. My lovely wife did a great job of setting me straight, though. I was worried that we were just going to go "over there", and start shooting up the place because we are Americans, and you do not come to our shores and F with us, damnit. I saw no clearly defined objective or enemy and that worried me.
I feel better now. I am now convinced that the US has a clear picture of what it needs to do. I am relieved to find that we are not going to try to "win" this thing in a month or 2 with surgical air strikes. The more I read, I am impressed with our leaders. (Plus, I am disgusted to find how much I sounded like Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky.) Actually, I am a bit glad that my first reaction was not one of blind and vengeful bloodlust, but rather one of contemplation and analysis. I think you'll see that I never said that we shouldn't do something, I was merely worried that we were about to start an aimless protracted ground war in Afghanistan against some enemy to be identified later. I was affraid we were going to wing it.
Then I saw Dick Cheney, Colin Powell and a Bush named George and I immediately felt better. And THAT, my friend, is the hidden genius that IS Dubya. He doesn't NEED to be smooth and articulate like Bubba BJ was. He can put together a good TEAM and that team can and will do a good job.
NOW, my biggest worry is the market and what it will do to bond yields, interest rates, and my job. Yikes.

In response to young Jerry:
Jer, jer, jer, a thousand times Jer.
First off, all flag waving aside, I understand the whole Good vs. Evil premise of American military involvement. I also understand the basics of War, the first of which is to have a clear definition of your enemy. I don't feel as if we have that yet. ("Terroists and those that harbor them" or certain regimes is not an enemy.) Plus, stopping bin Laden will not stop the hatred that these fundimentalist whacko's feel towards America, it will only strenghten it and get more of us killed. Destroying terrorist-condoning regimes will not stop the terrorists, it will only make them more determined to kill more of us. These people feel that to die for their cause in a suicide mission, is to be promised a glorious spot in Heaven as a hero. They will gladly sacrifice themselves for a cause which we find insane. They feel about Americans even stronger feelings than I feel about Pro-Choice people.
Second, I understand history. We won WWII. We lost in Korea. We lost in Viet Nam. Both times, I feel, we lost because we underestimated and didn't define our enemy clearly enough. These suicidal freaks clearly defeated the Russians for 10 years during the 80's. You may recall that during the 80's there was a little thing called The Cold War. Both the US and the Russians were thumping our collective chests and puoring money into our separate war chests. I would say that at this time, the Russians were at the height of their military effectiveness. And they got their asses kicked by these people.We lost Korea because we were cocky and assumed that Good always triumphs over Evil. And it did, until the Chinese showed up at least. We weren't alone in Korea either, there were 21 other countries with us. However, as usual, the brunt of the fighting and subsequent dying was done by Americans. The same thing goes for Viet Nam. We underestimated our enemy and got our asses kicked in the dirt. It always sounds like a just and noble cause, Good vs. Evil. But, when the 50,000th American flag draped coffin gets unloaded off the C-41 Transport plane and we are virtually no closer to accomplishing our "objective," it gets harder and harder to justify sending another son to die.
There is another similarity to Korea and Nam that this current scenario shares. Before both the Korean conflict and the Viet Nam War, we had Democratic Presidents that drastically cut Defense spending. Then, a Republican President had to use the weakened military to get our asses kicked. Truman gave a weak Defense to Ike to go have McAurthur make an ass of himself. Then, to fund their amazingly effective social reform programs (Welfare/The Great Society) Kennedy and LBJ gave a pussified Military and the Viet Nam War to Nixon to lose. Now, Clinton has virtually decimated the US military for 8 years and given it to Dubya.
Now, Americans feel collectively threatened and want a piece of someone's ass as retribution. That is understandable. We feel that we are the Good fighting Evil. That is understandable. We feel that our cause is Right and their's is Wrong and I'm agreeing with that. All I am saying is that I do not feel as though we have a clearly enough defined objective and enemy or a good enough appreciation of the resolve of the enemy and the stupidity that they are willing to die for. Bombing them into the Stone Age is not that far of a trip and probably will have no effect on the American civilian casualties that they will martyr themselves to kill. Don't get me wrong, at this point, I think that some type of military attack will be good for some things.
Gary Condit, for example. Good for him. (I am shocked that Mr. & Mrs. Levy went away so easily.) Good for the Economy. Nothing like a little War to stimulate some spending. But I digress. More later.

I know that what I'm about to say is going to possibly piss some people off, but I don't care.


For the past 2-3 days, I've felt that the colonialization of the American territories should be expanding into the middle east. It seemed evident to me that certain governments have sacrificed their right to live and peacefully co-exist with the rest of the civilized world, and therefore, should be "occupied" by the US, permanently. However, after much thought and deliberation, I think I have changed my mind. I think it would be a huge mistake for the US to take any direct military action against the Taliban, Afghanistan, or bin Laden. I realize that emotions are high right now and that we want someone to pay for what was done. But, I feel that whatever it is we want to accomplish will fail if we just go in there kickin' towel-head ass and takin' names. This is a type of enemy that defies logic and we will never understand. They are willing to blow themselves up to kill us. Even if we go in with surgical air strikes or ground troops, I think we will lose more Americans for nothing we will never solve this problem. I have a few reasons for feeling this way. First and foremost, these people fought the Soviets for 10 years and won. Think about that for a minute. TEN years of fighting against the SOVIETS. Can you imagine seeing all those potential body bags and coffins covered with American flags every night on the news? And the Soviets still lost against nomadic towel-head fanatics. Secondly, I feel that this type of fundamental suicidal fanaticism is such that if you kill one, then 2-3 more will vow to martyr themselves as revenge in more terrorist attacks. At best I think all we should hope to do is contain and control them, but as soon as we start to try to wipe them off the ass of the Earth, they will fester and spread like a cancer. Thirdly, I simply feel that given the 10 year victorious war with the Soviets should have taught us Westerners something about these people.
Nikolai Kovalyov, the former head of Russia's Federal Security Service, the KGB's main
successor, warned Friday that a U.S. attack on Afghanistan would fail to reach bin
Laden and would backfire on the United States.

"In Afghanistan's mountainous terrain, it takes a trainload of explosives to destroy
three militants," he said at a news conference. "The chance of hitting bin Laden is
zero."

Lastly, I am very afraid that the next attack of theirs is going to be much, much worse than the Trade Centers, perhaps biological. (I had a dream that some sick bastard blew himself up on the floor of the Stock Exchange, but that's a story for another day.)


I would hate to see more Americans die for this fight. Perhaps the best offense is a strong defense and not the other way around. Embargo, sanction, deprive, whatever, but as soon as we go in there and start bombing, we will never get every last one of them and they will never stop coming at us. At our buildings, at our stadiums, at our monuments.
I, of course, reserve the right to change this opinion later, but for now, I feel it is correct.

In the wake yesterday's horrors, this is worth reading. We still live
in the greatest country in the world and sometimes we forget what we have
worked so hard for. This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing.

--------------------
America: The Good Neighbor.

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable
editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television
commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as
printed in the Congressional Record:

"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the
most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth.
Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted
out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars
and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today
paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.
When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans
who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on
the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it. When earthquakes hit
distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring,
59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.
The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars
into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing
about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of
those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States
dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a
plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If
so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except
Russia fly American Planes?

Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman
on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You
talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about
American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several
times - and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the
store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not
pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless
they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa
at home to spend here. When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down
through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania
Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old
caboose. Both are still broke.

I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of
other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else
raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even
during the San Francisco earthquake.

Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned
tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing
with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their
nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope
Canada is not one of those."
Stand proud, America!

Psalms 37

1. Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.
2. For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
3. Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4. Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
8. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
9. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.
10. For yet a little while, and the wicked shall not be: yea, thou shalt diligently consider his place, and it shall not be.
11. But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
12. The wicked plotteth against the just, and gnasheth upon him with his teeth.
13. The Lord shall laugh at him: for he seeth that his day is coming.
14. The wicked have drawn out the sword, and have bent their bow, to cast down the poor and needy, and to slay such as be of upright conversation.
15. Their sword shall enter into their own heart, and their bows shall be broken.
16. A little that a righteous man hath is better than the riches of many wicked.
17. For the arms of the wicked shall be broken: but the Lord upholdeth the righteous.
18. The Lord knoweth the days of the upright: and their inheritance shall be for ever.
19. They shall not be ashamed in the evil time: and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.
20. But the wicked shall perish, and the enemies of the Lord shall be as the fat of lambs: they shall consume; into smoke shall they consume away.
21. The wicked borroweth, and payeth not again: but the righteous sheweth mercy, and giveth.
22. For such as be blessed of him shall inherit the earth; and they that be cursed of him shall be cut off.
23. The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.
24. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.
25. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
26. He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed.
27. Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore.
28. For the Lord loveth judgment, and forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever: but the seed of the wicked shall be cut off.
29. The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever.
30. The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment.
31. The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide.
32. The wicked watcheth the righteous, and seeketh to slay him.
33. The Lord will not leave him in his hand, nor condemn him when he is judged.
34. Wait on the Lord, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it.
35. I have seen the wicked in great power, and spreading himself like a green bay tree.
36. Yet he passed away, and, lo, he was not: yea, I sought him, but he could not be found.
37. Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace.
38. But the transgressors shall be destroyed together: the end of the wicked shall be cut off.
39. But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble.
40. And the Lord shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him.

Pray.

Pray.

I know there is a certain percent of the US population that depends on me, Mike B, to keep them up to date and fresh on all the new phat dope goin' down in the hood. So, as MC of this here hood, y'all listen up, homies, I'm about to lay it down on you, G.

Bibleman.

"Wassup wit dat?" you say. "Bibleman? What the hell is that about, Mike B?"

First off, just remember that you heard this phresh and phly phat dope here phirst, yo. Cuz I'm down like that. I'm always chillin' with the phreshest dope. I'm always kickin' it with the phlyest and phreshest rhymes. Then, when I'm done kickin' and chillin', I like to give props out to all my peeps and then I keep it real. I'm always keepin' it real, Home-Shopper.


(More on Bibleman later, or click a link to the left or search Google to see what is having a great impact on my boys. I love Willie Aames, I really do. Any Bibleman movie sells at Walmart for $10, if you don't like it, I'll buy it from you. If you have kids, boys or girls, you'll all love Bibleman, trust me. It beats the crap you're letting them watch now, I promise you that. Oh, and before you roll your eyes too hard, if you don't run out right now and buy one, I am giving you one for Christmas, so shut your fat pie-hole, Nancy-Boy!))

http://www.christianity.com/CC/article/0,,PTID2546|CHID101024|CIID137173,00.html
http://www.christianity.com/CC/article/0,,PTID2546|CHID101024|CIID133774,00.html
http://www.christianity.com/CC/article/0,,PTID2546|CHID101024|CIID137172,00.html

So what is with these Joey Buttafoucco-like characterizations of Italian-Americans I have to tolerate every freaking day??!!
They are of those "I've never actually been to Italy, but I watch a lot of Mafia movies about New York Italians so I know all about bein' Italian" Italians. You know the type. My favorite kind of "Italian." Couldn't ask someone to pass the Chianti in Italian, but call themselves "Italian." The kind you see in the "Olive Garden" commercials. Heavy on the "Piason" with some extra "Kapeesh" and "Umbari" on the side. Never missed an episode of "The Sopranos". It's not so much the fact that they know every line from "Casino" and "Goodfellas", it's the fact that they have to let you know that they know them. As if this somehow authenticates that at some point in the far distant past, some of the DNA that they carry, could have in fact, passed through Italy. Then there is the posing and tough-guy posturing I find so attractive. You know, the chicken-like head bobbing, chest puffed up and out, acting like you are always just 3 words from getting your ass kicked. The funny thing is, being raised and bred in Missouri of all places, even their New York counterparts would laugh at this cartoon-like representation of an Italian-American. If I have to listen to one more of these Italian-Wanna-be-Ass-Clowns say, "How you doin'?" I swear I'm going to jab one of those corn-on-the-cob holders in someone's temple.
(Yeah, I know, I've got some "issues", thanks.)

I've been to Italy twice. Venice, Naples, Florence, north, south, etc.
Aside from the ancient architecture, a few phrases pop into my head when I think back to Italy.
The first being..."Stinking shit-hole."
The second being, "Nice mustache, Ma'am."
The third is, "How many years of porn experience do you need to be elected to the Italian Parliment?"

Nowhere in either trip did I see one man that acted like our American version.
If God ever wanted to send me to Hell, he would team me up with 3 "Eye-Talian-Americans" and make me listen to them sing "Mack the Knife" and "Hey Mambo Italiano" for eternity.
God, I love that whole, "I'm Italian" mentality.
No. No, you are not. Being raised near an ethnic Italian immigrant section of St. Louis called "The Hill" does not make you from Italy. It makes you from Missouri. You are a Missourian. Try calling yourself an "Italian-Missourian" to get a feel of how stupid I think "Italian-American" sounds. Maybe your great-grandfather was from Italy, but, you sir, are from Missouri. Act like it.
I'm not saying put on a Cowboy hat, flannel shirt and go make-out with your sister while you're fishin', but, for the love of God, stop the insanity, Piason.

Kapeesh?

http://www.abcnews.go.com/onair/2020/2020_000308_fetalparts_feature.html


I don't know why this should come as "shocking" news to anyone. What else did you expect to happen? Of course, people are going to find a way to make a profit off of it. My only shock comes from the fact that it's not listed on eBay.

I find it quite funny that I was going to have a post today regarding the Militant Homosexual Agenda that is being rammed in the back-door, so to speak, of our public schools, when out of the blue, my friend Leo, or "My Buddy Gun" called from his new town and my old town of Chicago. Interesting. I think "borderline hetero" and the phone rings AND it's Leo. Hmmmm. I need to further my psychic talents. Let's see what else I can do.
I'm thinking of a shiney Rolex........

Damn, guess I'll have to buy my own and tell my wife that Heather Graham bought it for me. Nah, that's been done to death. Besides, I have about as much desire for a Rolex as I do for a colostomy bag. What a pathetic waste of money that could have gone to do some real good for someone. No offense to those that cherish them. I'm flattered that you feel that you have to impress me and the rest of the world with that, but really it's a watch, a mere thing. Same goes for Harley's, cars, diamonds, etc. as far as my wife and I are concerned. I had a client that I was doing a loan for. The property was worth $2,000,000.00, the others he owned around town and in Florida, totaled another $4 million. When we got to the part of the application where I ask about what kind of car he owns, he says a 1984 Buick. Wagon. I had seen it in the driveway and thought it was the hired helps. When I looked at him puzzled, he responds, "That's it. That's all I drive. Who the hell do I have to impress and who the hell are they anyways? I'm the same guy I've always been even when I was broke. It's all just materialistic crap." It's been 4 years ago, and I still remember the goose-bumps I got. What a wonderfully humble (and extremely wealthy) man. Of course, it helps to have a few million laying around semi-liquid to help put things in the right perspective, too. Since then, I've been wearing the same piece of crap Swiss Army watch, and buying most of my non-work clothes at Target. I just don't care.

Anyhow, Leo Gunderson (Not his name, but should be) wanted some assistance with abusing some of the old college boys. In case you are wondering what they look like, go here: http://www.mulletsgalore.com/ or try the link to the left and go to classification 34 on page 4. Good looking bunch of fellas, huh?

Anyhow, I'll need a little time to work on that project. I have to be honest, though, it's been a long time since I was "cool". By "long time" I mean, never.
I've never been cool. I wasn't then and I'm certainly not now. I've just been fortunate to be funny enough that the truly cool guys didn't kick my ass, but rather they let me hang loosely on the periphery and ride the coat-tails of their coolness. It worked for most of my college career. All 6.5 glorious years of it. No, you don't have to call me "Doctor", but thanks.

Before I get to thinking about the abuse, just one more thing about being cool, or in my case, not being cool.
Cool stops at age 28. Period. Anyone or anything trying to be cool after that age, needs to get a serious grip. Take my buddy Juan (not his real name), for example. He was cool. But not always. Ever read "Flowers for Algernon," where Charlie the "retard" gets some new medicine and it makes him wicked smart, but then, he's so smart he learns that it only lasts for a little while and then he goes retard-stupid again? Well John, I mean "Juan", was like Charlie. When I first met him, he was a big dorkus like me. He was into spelunking caves and wearing cowboy boots and watching, reading, going to, and living for INDY, with his "companion" Bruce. Then one day Juan met Hadji (not his real name). Hadji was a real cool cat. All the ladies loved Hadji. Almost overnight, Juan was like a cool butterfly coming out of his nerd cacoon, fluttering around the glitter and glam of the porch-light with his new cool buddy, Hadji.
But alas, like Charlie, this was not to last forever. For you see, now, according to any person between the ages of 15 and 25 (the truly cool), we are all just old pathetic dorks trying too hard to hang on to a past which has fallen woefully out of our grasp. The harder we try to hang on, the faster it slips away, mocking us, with one single wirey grey hair standing defiant like a China-man in front of a Tienoman Square Tank.
To illustrate how truly lost my cool case is, let me talk like the actual youth of today.......
Yo, you see that shirt that chick had on? That was whack, Gee, gnome sayin? Word, bro, that was Fly. I thought she was gonna pop a cap in my ass, Holmes. Gnome sayin? That was dope when she came to where you stay, gnome sayin? Yo, aw-ight, I gotta go pick up my baby's mother down at the Check Cashin' place, gnome sayin?
Now, anyone my age that is still trying to look cool, actually looks just as stupid as if he were still trying to talk like that with the young fly skimmies, waheenies, and holmies. The same goes for anyone that still says, "Piason" and "Kapeesh" and/or has or had one of those annoying "Caesar Haircuts" while over the age of 28.(You know who you are.) I mention all of this because, once again, I don't care if people think I'm a dork or a nerd or call me a Jesus Freak. Like a Rolex and all the other stuff, it's not important to me. Peoples opinions are just not important to me. Never have been. Had I ever given a rat's ass of anyones opinion of me, I don't think I would've ever striped down butt naked and slid down a hallway in front of too many people to count. Cool, not cool, don't care. There's no side door to Heaven, where God is gonna let you sneak in because you were cool and "basically a good person" with a nice watch. There is one door, and Jesus stands in front of it, he wants you to knock on it so He can open it.
Damn, I couldn't think of any good abuse for the old college dorks. Bunch o' Mullets. But, there are my bunch o' mullets and I love every one of 'em. Especially Leo. And Hadji, and John, I mean Juan. No, this does not make me gay. The naked thing in the hallway comes close, but, not close enough.